The Wizard of Bob
by Kasu-chan
Summary: After a hit to the head, Heero Yuy is plunged into the world of Bob, complete with chibis, Relena puppies, and little annoying bats named Duo. Part one uploaded; part two coming soon!
1. Part One

Disclaimer: Okay, I officially hate this laptop. Because of my injury (which isn't carpal tunnel, and isn't anything that my doctor can diagnose; I hate doctors), I have to type in my class via this old, clunky laptop that my dad let me use. I can't write anything out, which means no drawing, which really sucks. Anyway, I've wanted to write this for a while, so here we go. Anything already copyrighted by Gundam Wing is… theirs. …Yeah. Random fluff; some implied yaoi (heh). 

The Wizard of Bob

A fic by Kasu-chan

Part One

It was an early morning, and the sun blared through the window in the G-Boys' apartment. 

…But that wasn't the only thing blaring so early in the morning.

"HEE-CHAN? HEE-CHAN?! WHERE ARE YOU?!" Relena called rather sing-songlike, in her own, somewhat grating way, knocking on each one of the doors and waking up all of the neighbors.

Heero twitched in the corner each time, shuddering uncontrollably at the very hated pet name. Hee-chan? Who else could come up with that but the likes of Relena…

"Relena's looking for you again, Heero." Trowa said flatly, Quatre sleeping in his lap—it was far too early for Quatre—surpressing a smile as Heero twitched again.

"Don't. Say. That. Name." Heero growled, fingers twitching, wanting so much to be around that clown's neck. 

"HEE-CHAN? Hee-chan, are you in he—oh, gomen nasai!" Someone slammed their door.

Quatre stirred in Trowa's lap, looking up with big, sleepy seagreen eyes. "Make her stop." He yawned. "I don't want to explain another crazy person to the neighbors. I already have to justify—" 

"OHAYO!!" Quatre and Heero jumped; Trowa closed his eye and chuckled.

Braid dripping wet from the shower and a light blue towel wrapped around his waist, Duo closed his eyes and cleaned the water out of his ear with one finger, then looked over at the boys and waved cheerfully.

"Him…" Quatre said dryly. 

"Good morning! Quatre, you sleepy head, wake up!"

Quatre only whimpered and covered his head with the inside of Trowa's shirt. 

Duo shrugged and sighed. "Well, I guess that you just can't please some people." He looked over at Heero, who looked like he was going to kill the braided priest on the spot. He blinked. "Hee-kun?"

"No."

"But I didn't say—"

"No."

Duo sighed again, pushing his wet braid over his shoulder. "No rest for the wicked."

Quatre peeked his head out from under Trowa's shirt and looked at Duo, still clutching the ends of it. "Relena's on the rampage, and your being loud isn't helping."

He pursed his lips together. "Again? Oy, doesn't that girl take a hint?"

"Obviously not." Trowa crossed his arms.

"Well…" Duo snorted, rolling his non-existent sleeves up and cracking his knuckles—then shaking his hands in front of him—headed for the door. He had had just about enough of Relena the stalker.

Quatre blinked, looking up at Trowa. "He wouldn't be do dumb as to…"

Duo opened the door and stuck his head out, taking a breath and shouting at the top of his lungs. "RELENA!"

"He would…" Trowa sweatdropped.

"HOW _DARE_ YOU STALK MY HEE-KUN LIKE THIS! HE DOESN'T LIKE—GAHHK!" Heero yanked him in by his braid, Duo doing all that he could to hold his towel on and in a modest fashion while Quatre hurried to open the door. 

"DUO NO BAKA!" Heero pulled his braid again, and Duo started crying. "NOW SHE KNOWS—"

"HEE-CHAN, I FOUND YOU!" She opened the door wide and WHAM! It hit Heero in the back of the head. 

Wufei walked out like a zombie as soon as the door opened, eyes half open.

"Oh my GOSH! HEE-CHAN? HEE-CHAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!" 

*** 

Heero saw stars swirl around his head; whatever had hit him hit him hard. Probably that damn door… As he came to, he looked around, seeing the apartment empty, and sans color. "O…kay…" He furrowed his eyebrows—must have hit his head harder than he thought—and walked out of the apartment to a sudden flood of technicolor.

He shielded his eyes, hearing the sound of something odd singing; it sounded like chipmunks on fast forward, and off key too. Putting his arm down, he saw before him what he would have imagined Quatre would have done to his room had he a bucket of rainbow paint and about ten dozen singing lawn gnomes. 

Heero watched as the little gnomes grouped around the apartment that he had just left—the one that looked like a corny play prop for some very odd reason—and the pair of large boots suddenly curl under it. He twitched.

The little gnomes then turned toward Heero and a cheer erupted from the middle of the crowd. He began to back up until one of the gnomes—which bore an uncanny resemblance to Doctor J; maybe it was the odd glasses, or maybe the lack of hand… He turned forward, the closest thing to total terror painted on his face.

"You've saved us from the evil Trez!" One of the gnomes cried, and all of the gnomes squealed in reply. 

Heero twitched again.

And in that moment of cheer, a light filled the sky and landed next to Heero, Cathleen in a Fairy Godmother-like purple dress and long silver wand.

"Cathleen…" Heero began, putting up his finger slightly, "what are you doing in that?"

"Why young one, I do not know of who you speak! I am Lady Lavender (okay, so I'm not that creative), and I am here to help you." And she gave just the slightest bow.

Heero had had just about enough of this. Midgets, and now a Fairy Godmother thing? He must have really hit his head hard.

"Because you have liberated the Chibies of Bob," Heero rose an eyebrow as Lavender spoke, "I shall give you a reward. Chibies, bring this noble man his gift!"

"Why can't you just wave your little stick around and give me a gift?"

Lavender hit him on top of the head with her wand. 

The crowds split as one chibi—holding a striking resemblance to that weirdo Howard brought up a gold basket, a pink blanket rested over the top of it. He handed it to Lavender, who rose her wand over it with one hand.

"On behalf of the chibies and myself—"

"Can I come out now? Pleeeeease? It's dar—wait…" A pink nose rose from under the blanket, followed by two ears tied with dark blue bows. "I smell something…" 

Heero looked at the basket and whatever-it-was peeking from within it and took a step back as a small, warm yellow puppy fell out, shaking her head and looking up.

"I KNEW IT! I SMELLED A HEE-CHAN!"

"No…" Heero backed up into the crowd. "I don't want it!"

The Relena puppy pouted, and Lavender hit Heero over the head with her wand. "It isn't polite to denounce a reward!"

"It isn't nice to give _that _as a reward!" Heero shouted.

Lavender hit him again. "HOW DARE YOU! Now go!"

"Where?!" He blurted.

"I-I don't care! Go… go kill the wicked evil in the northwest, and you will be rewarded."

Heero rolled his eyes a little. "With another one of… those?"

"Hey!"

Lavender sighed. "No, baka, of course not! I will grant you one wish." 

He shook his head and started walking, the crowd parting for him. "Phh. I'll find my own way out of here." The Relena puppy was close underfoot. 


	2. Part Two

Disclaimer: Sorry this is taking me so long to write; I have to be in a certain mood to get this done. But I like how this part turned out. Originally I was going to have three parts, but I may have more, since this part is taking longer than I thought. The parts are short, but oh well. I loved writing this one! Sorry it's so short! Long live mister tree! ^.^;; R and R!

The Wizard of Bob

A fic by Kasu-chan

Part Two

"Are we there yet?" The Relena puppy whined, her head lowered and her ears nearly drooping in the dirt.

"No one ever asked you to come along." Heero responded dryly, knowing that she would not keep quiet no matter how silent he was—it was like being around Duo; whenever you were quiet, he was the one to provide the constant clamor. Heero only wished that he had the heart to kick animals. Maybe that would make her shut up.

She sighed gently, sniffing at the ground as they walked, ever so slowly trying to move closer to Heero's leg, so he wouldn't notice. But whenever she got somewhat close, he glared at her and she scurried back to where she was beforehand. It was frustrating. He was so mean, and so stubborn, and so quiet; but that really did add to his appeal. She smirked, somewhat prancing behind him, her head held high and proud.

Heero growled to himself silently; stupid dog…

"Heero… you don't like me much, do you?" The Relena puppy looked up at him with those sickeningly big, saucer eyes.

"No."

So much for being discrete. "No as in… no, I _do _like you?" She hopefully asked, continuing to look up at him with those large eyes.

"No as in I don't like, nor will I ever." He grumbled gently, becoming all to irritated with not only all of her questions, but the whole world as well… as messed up as it was. It was like being in one of Quatre's fairy tale fantasies, or something like that.

The Relena puppy whined gently, plopping down to the ground and sniffling gently. "You don't like me, Heero? But… but I thought…" She looked up, seeing Heero walk off without a second glance. "HEY! HEY, I'M POURING MY HEART OUT TO YOU, AND YOU RUN AWAY?! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!" 

"GO AWAY! OMAE O KOROSU!!" He screamed back at her, reaching for his gun and finding… a very bad, crappy plastic toy replica. He twitched once violently; just when he had gotten the urge to bring harm to an animal… 

Heero kept walked, trying to keep his temper. First the dog, then a plastic gun. Most likely something that Lavender did. Oh would she feel his anger…

"WHAAAA! WATCH OUT!!" The Relena puppy yelled as Heero was off in his own world, grumbling and complaining; sometimes it took a woman to notice some things and not complain about others.

"I SAID GO A-GAHK!" Heero began to shout, turning toward the Relena puppy before something smacked into the back of his head, toppling him over.

"Told you to watch out." The Relena puppy smirked smugly.

"Ita… Stupid walking, prickly tree. Here I am, flying around and minding my own business, and some stupid prickly tree decides to walk in my way… Guh… I want your license plate number; I'm suing!" The bat that had flown into Heero's head grumbled, then passed out.

"EWWWWW!" The Relena puppy screamed, hiding behind Heero's leg. "It's an icky bat! Kill it! KILL IT, HEERO!" She nudged at his leg.

He glared at her, then looked at the bat, lying spread-eagle on the ground, a braid laid in a wave at his side. Heero walked over, picking the bat up by the leg. "Duo no baka." He muttered. "You never did have any sense of direction." He almost threw him off into the woods—and would have, too—until the bat started waving his wings around violently.

"LEMME GO! LEMME GO! I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY; TAKE ME, SPARE MY CHILDREN!" And it passed out again.

Heero's eyebrow twitched, and he poked at the bat's wing. "Hey. Get up."

"Just throw it into the woods and lets LEAVE!" The Relena puppy whined, nudging at Heero's leg again.

"NO! Don't leave me, mister tree!" The bat suddenly came to, causing Heero to almost drop him. "I'm sorry I ruined your luscious leaves!" He wept. "I'm an orphan bat, and I'm not all that smart either, mister tree."

"Obviously…" The Relena puppy grumbled, then yelled at the bat, "And his name is not mister tree! It's Heero!"

The bat thought about this for a moment. "I've never heard of a Heero tree…"

"HE IS NOT A TREE!"

The bat blinked—if bats do blink. "He's not?"

"NO!" The Relena puppy blurted.

"Well then what is he?" The bat tilted his head, waving it's leg out of Heero's grip and flying into him again. "GAH! ANOTHER TREE!"

The Relena puppy twitched. "What is WRONG with you?! Are you defective?!"

Heero said in a monotone voice, "Bats are blind."

"I AM NOT BLIND!" And he flew into Heero's chest; after recovering, he mumbled something that sounded like I meant to do that.

The Relena puppy watched as the braided bat fell to the ground and walked up to him, sniffing him. "Not blind, huh?"

He grumbled. "I was out looking for bugs; I like bugs." And the bat smiled proud, then looked over in the opposite direction of the Relena puppy. "And stop sniffing me, miss kitty!"

"C-c-cat?!" The Relena puppy growled, moving down low. "You. Called. Me. A. …Cat?!" 

"You're not?" The Relena puppy fell over due to the bat's naïve nonchalance.

"No!" She yelled. "I'm a dog! A DOG!"

Heero started to say something, but stopped when the Relena puppy bit at his leg.

"Hmn… My eyes must be bad." The bat said, flying up toward Heero and missing his shoulder by a few inches, then circling, and stopping in the air and looking around. "Mister Heero tree, where are you? I want to sit on your shoulder."

He twitched. "Why?"

"Well, uh…" The bat thought for a moment, color coming to his tiny face. "I like trees."

"HE'S NOT A TREE!"

"SHUT UP, CAT!" The bat yelled.

"What did you call me?!" The Relena puppy barked.

"C…" The bat smirked wildly, "A…"

"AHHHH!" And the Relena puppy ran after the bat, while Heero took the time to make his get away.

As Relena went into another fit, Heero started walking off again. It took a moment for the Relena puppy to notice, the bat trying to go at her ears.

"HEEEEEEEEROOO! MAAAAAATAAA!" And she went running after him as the bat bit into her left ear, whining the whole way. 

"Relena, a plastic gun, and a tree-loving Duo…" Heero grumbled to himself, hearing the two yell and cry in the background, the bat latched onto the Relena puppy's left ear. "I'm gonna kill Lavender for this…" 


End file.
